Merry Christmas

This month (and honestly this year) has been a hard one for me. And I've been struggling with it not really feeling like Christmas. For once this was the year it's supposed to feel more like Christmas, right? After all, this is my first Christmas as a Christian.

But I was feeling alone, and stressed out, and all around just depressed.

Well, it finally hit tonight.

After work I got home then went to the 6:30 service, and got to go with some of the people from my small group. And the service was nice, Pastor John wrote a cute children's story going over the animals role in the nativity. But afterwards, even with being with people that I know care, something still felt a little off. I ran into Jenny after service, and since her family wasn't doing anything we went out for dinner. Ended up at Carrow's as it was the only place open. We run into some ladies from church there, and we change our table request so we could all sit together. It was starting to feel a little more Christmasy. We all ate and talked, and we spanned three generations at that table, and there weren't any pauses in the conversation. We all learned a little bit about the other and it was a good dinner. After dinner Jenny and I hung out and talked until she had to go to greet at the 11pm service. I decided to go. Ended up stepping in for the other greeter, so here I am, handing out candles and welcoming people into the church. Things are feeling a little more Christmasy. Midway through the greeting bit one of the Sarah's that I knew at the JC walks in with her mom and her sister. Immediately it's hugs and "OMG how long have you been coming here!?"

Beyond all the wonderful people that I have met and become friends with so far, running into an old friend that I've lost touch with reinforced to me that this is where I need to be. I'm getting more comfortable, finding more connections, feeling the love all around.

The service itself was absolutely beautiful. I am so SO glad I went, it was just what I needed.

It's definitely Christmas. And this Christmas is definitely a special one.

So Merry Christmas, and to all my loved ones that have been with me and helped me deal with everything that's been going on, Thank You for being part of my life, and thank you for your love and friendship.

I love you all.

*^_^*

A Dickens Adventure!

It was a grand time at the Dickens Fair, I just wish I could have stayed longer! :-)

When I get the pictures from Steph and Katey I'll have to add them into the slideshow (not that I'm playing with embedded media features or anything... no I'd never do that!)

But there was so much fun stuff going on, dancing at Fezziwigs, running into friends and loved ones, yummy food that you only find at the Fairs, lots and lots of pretty things that I'd love to own. I did treat myself to two things, one getting my hair braided all fancy like, and two a pretty little cross pendant. The hair-braiding was very relaxing, and it looked so cute I wish I could have kept it in longer, or had the talent to do that to myself. The cross is a Celtic design, with a round cut alexandrite (or just a light purple crystal... it wasn't that expensive so it's hard to tell... ) in the center. So it's a very Tina looking piece and I almost didn't get it, but ended up running back to the booth to pick it up.

I realized that I need to invest in a crinoline or a hoop skirt, because I can fake Victorian with my current wardrobe pretty well, except that my skirts aren't nearly full enough. And depending on time and finances I want to start working on a nice ballgown to use for Fezziwigs and Gaskells. Although I should really finish the other projects I have first before starting another one. :-)

But regardless, I look forward to next years Dickens trip!

General State of Things

So the holidays haven't been as stressful as I thought they were going to be. Thanksgiving was nice and easy, spent with friends and loved ones. Mom found something to do, and I didn't get guilt tripped for not spending the holiday with her. So that was nice. I ended up having dinner with her a week or so later. I'll be doing Christmas dinner with her and her boyfriend. I haven't heard from Dad yet. I really do need to talk to him. He doesn't even know about the accident.

I'm not sure how that will make him feel though, finding out a month or so after the fact that he almost lost his only daughter. I don't want to be passive-agressive about it, but I do need to let him know that I really feel bad about not being able to talk to him and not being able to spend time with him. And feeling like a second class family member. Like he doesn't have time for me because of Janine and the girls and the rest of her family.

But oh well, it's not like I'm lacking the family love recently or anything. Thanks to my experiences in Alpha I have a whole new set of surrogate parents. I get to share my Alpha story at both services on January 6th. That should be interesting. Jim and Pastor John have been trying to get me up there, and I kept putting it off because I wasn't sure what to say, or how to properly edit my story. Not everything is family apropriate in regards to where I've been and just how much has changed since I made the switch.

Hrm... what else is going on. Oh, I did a lot of work at church for the Christmas concerts we had. Helped with the set and then worked each show as a follow spot operator. I even made it into the program. That made me happy. I missed doing theater stuff. So it was nice to get to go back into something I love doing and be able to serve at the same time. There are rumors of a future production of Godspell, and if so I'll be there. Well I'll be there regardless of what show we're doing, as I already said whatever we end up doing I'm part of the team now. :-) But I've had a particular song stuck in my head ever since, and I don't know why I can't remember the name...

When you feel bad, or under a curse
Your life is bad, your prospects are worse
Your wife is sighing, crying, your olive tree is dying
Temples are greying, teeth are decaying and creditors weighing your purse.

Your mood and your robe
Are both a deep blue
You'd bet that Job
Has nothing on you...

and that's all I can remember.

I've had to put a lot of my crafty stuff on hold the last week, with working on the show and juggling my chiropractor appointments. But I did start another scarf, and I'm being all ambitious after only knitting for a couple of months, it's in a rib knit, and will be striped. A nice heather grey and an ivory. It should be pretty. I've started to do minor alterations for friends. Which has been a test of my faith in my sewing skills. But so far things have been okay, and the extra money has been much needed. At some point I need to remember to take pictures of some of my projects so I can be all "Hey lookit what I made!" and then feel awesome about it. :-)

Anyway, I should probably get back to work. But hey! I actually took the time to write in blogger, and not just cross-post something from livejournal!

James 1:2-5

(cross-posted from livejournal yesterday)

2Consider it pure joy, my brother, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

I had started this entry this morning. But I ran out of time to really write out what my observations and thoughts were.

Now it speaks a whole new (but similar) ballgame.

*click*

Funny how these things work out sometimes.

So as most of you, dear readers, know, the latest jump in my spiritual journey was quite a big change, and I had to seriously look hard into it to know if I was doing it for me, or for the benefit of my boyfriend at the time.

It was determined for me, but the boyfriend still played a big part of it, as it wouldn't have come into consideration at this point in my life if he wasn't a part of it. Well we hit a point where it seemed to us there wasn't anywhere else to go, and that as we started talking about what we were facing I got the suspicion that I was being tested.

Have I really changed? Can I stick to this new and improved Tina without the support of a kind, considerate, and wonderful boyfriend whom I love very much?

I sat on it for over a week. Prayed about it. And finally after a long conversation today, took that next step.

This is, and was, of course, by no means easy. So whatever help one can lend, even if it's a smack if you see me going back to old Tina. I don't want to be that anymore, and I'm afraid that it'll feel easier to just take comfort in the old things, because I'm used to them.

In my ugliness He wooed me

Subject line comes from something Debbie said in Alpha Tuesday. It hit home.

So this has been another week of an amazing Alpha session. The theme for the night was "how does God guide us?" and during discussion we were all asked how do we feel about God guiding us. It took a while to come to me, as everyone was there except for Richard this week, and Debbie gets like me. That is to say we'll go on an on, but it's okay. I like it when she shares as we've been down similar paths. Her's is a little more extreme than mine, but I can still identify with her to a point.

She's quite an inspiration in my Alpha group. Very very passionate, and it shows in how she carries herself and how she talks and all her expressions. It's really something else. But we started discussing how we can see the guidance and really listen to it in this day and age. How it's hard to be constantly confronted with casual sin (and by that I mean a casual attitude in regards to sins, minor or major. They're entertainment nowadays.) And how it's easy to get lost in the jumble and not be able to listen.

But anyways it gets to me and it takes me a bit to collect my thoughts and feelings. It's still a little hard to find the words to talk about what's been going on these past several weeks. I believe, if I remember correctly, it went a little something like this:

If I had been asked this question when I first started coming here, I would have had to say it scared me. That I couldn't just accept God's guidance, or anyone elses for that matter, without wanting to pick it over and analyze every little bit so that I could know without a doubt that it was a solid course of action. It's been very hard for me to be able to let go and trust that things are happening with good reason. Over the last several weeks there have been signs, where things just clicked into place. And I had to stop myself from picking them apart. Making sure they weren't just coincidence, I had to just let them happen and go with the flow. I needed to trust how it felt.

Looking at that question now, it brings comfort. Knowing that my backs always covered. Knowing that regardless of where I have been and what I have done that I'm loved. It's a great comfort, and that's a beautiful thing. And I can let myself know, because I've felt.

Because even in my ugliness, I was wooed.

(cross-posted from my livejournal)

Butterfly Trials

Ah, the endless juggling of social circles and schedules.

I've always been one to float between different groups, it happened in high school, it happened at the junior college, it happens in the Camarilla, and since I do still play in the Cam every once in a while it still is happening.

So I currently juggle the normal work/sleep/eat with time with the Boyfriend, my fabulous ladies, friends of the Boyfriend, our church group, my church group, various volunteer stuff, game friends A and game friends B (two different circles, that occasionaly intertwine, but not without cattiness behind others backs, which is getting more and more annoying as time goes on, because I'm finding my snark and cattiness is slowly going away.) And then there's occasional social time with people from work. Trying to make time for the little family I have left comes into play as well. Although it's pretty easy to make time for Mom as she lives not far away from the Boyfriend, although if I go to his house after hers I stink like ciggarettes and get sprayed with Fabreeze.

That only happened once, but it made me laugh a lot at the time.

Dad, sadly, is harder to get a hold of. So we don't get to see eachother that often. But he has the new wife and her kids... so he's pretty busy with the new family.

But I digress. With all that juggling I have very little time to myself, and I'm starting to feel the effects of it. But it's odd, when I DO take the time for myself, I find that I go a little nuts. Then I start calling people and finding something to go do.

I need to find a balance through these social butterfly trials. Burnouts are not fun and I can feel I'm heading towards one.

It's going to get worse for the holly-days too.

*deep breath*

Just two months of serious juggling action. I can do this.

Stress Management

For the most part, I tend to be a fairly laid back person. I've found that most of the things I'd let myself get worked up about were really inconsequential when I looked back at them.

So now when something goes wrong and instead of freaking out, I roll with it, figure out how to fix it and move on. Not that I'm without my share of freakouts, some things are just too much and all at once. But when this does happen I tend to recover fairly quickly.

I really wish I could say the same about my boss. I know this is a blogging no-no, but when one little thing sets off a domino effect of everything else going bonkers, something is wrong. My coworkers agree with me, that a lot of little things get blown out of proportion and that when she gets stressed and upset she takes it all out on us. She wants us to all work as a team and she doesn't want to babysit us, yet everytime we make a decision as a team and get stuff done on our own, it's not exactly how she wants it so we get yelled at. So when we bring everything to her attention she gets up in arms and "doesn't have any time for this."

There's no middle ground. It's really dissapointing because when things are cool and everything is running as normal, she can be a blast. She's talking and joking and everything looks peachy. But one little thing goes wrong. Someone's late 5 minutes, something got posted wrong by proof, the printer wasn't on first thing in the morning, someone calls in sick, someone has to redo a cashier's check, another branch calls to get something and we take care of it first... you're starting to get the idea. One little thing, and EVERYTHING is wrong. It's a complete 180.

I want to be able to make this work. I like this company a lot, it's principals closely mirror my own. But when it's like I have to consult a Magic 8 Ball to determine my bosses mood... it's very hard to deal with.

Neglected Little Blog

aka The Little Blog That Could.

I post to livejournal a lot. I occasionally post to myspace. Once in a blue moon I'll post a journal entry on Deviant Art, but only if it is something related to my gallery.

Here... let's just say that it's a little lonely.

Perhaps that will change.

Originally I wanted to use this blog for more rants/essay pieces on random subjects. But I've been filtering my livejournal to account for all of that.

And then I didn't get nearly as verbose as I thought I would.

Silly me. :-)

Cattle Mutilation for Fun and Profit

I had a rant, but then it went away.

I had some thoughts, but then I didn't want to voice them over the powers that is Teh Interwebs.

So why am I posting to blogger?

Because I thought of a silly subject line.

That is all.

Commence with the laughter and move along.

Babies and Poverty

I have a baby shower to go to on the 1st of next month.

I shouldn't have one to go to though. It's for my cousin, who is only 3 weeks older than me. I've only just turned 23.

23 isn't a bad age to have a child. But if you can't hold down a steady job, can't stay sober, and the father has skipped down because he's more of a lazy fuckwit than you?

Yeah, not exactly where you want to be when bringing a child into the world.

Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I can't help but feel sorry for the kid and s/he hasn't even been born yet. Growing up in poverty isn't fun, and a lot of people that I know and that I grew up with are still stuck in that rut.

It was always easier to just collect money from the government and do drugs to numb the pain of what a fucking pathetic life you were living than to do anything to actually change it.

*sighs*

Well if nothing else if I go I get to feel like the golden child.