Oh My Alpha

It's back baby, and oh boy, am I glad. Much has happened in the month long hiatus we had. And I even did something some may think of crazy and step out in front of the congregation twice to share my story and proclaim my faith in Christ.

Then I got some funky intel on the ending process of my last relationship.

And it felt like things were crashing down. I was told that the boyfriend had doubts about wanting to stay in the relationship before it ended, but stayed because he was afraid if he left I would turn away from Christ.

Hearing that sent my stomach into knots and seriously pissed me off. I felt lied to. And that hurt.

I started re-examining how I came to Christ at that point. Because, after all, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have considered Christianity as an option for me. By stereotypes I was the antithesis of a "good Christian girl"

I run around on Saturday nights with my friends pretending to be a vampire, I listen to all sorts of crazy rock music, I'm pro-choice, I swear like a sailor, I drink, I have lots of sex and am kinky to boot. I remember one time in church before I made the choice, the sermon was about being able to selflessly give, and be a true dumas. Kinda like a slave but not quite, and while the pastor was talking about this attitude of servitude I remember thinking "If nothing else, maybe this Christianity thing will help me be a better sub."

I'm tangent-ing, anyway, while re-examining and talking to friends about what was going on with this minor crisis of Faith, my friend Steve pointed out to me that I was having a crisis of Trust more than a crisis of Faith.

Because I did explore Christianity on my own terms, and I accepted on my own terms.

So I know I'm in the right place, I'm still not so sure on all the whys. Especially considering the irony of me becoming a Christian. Mom and I used to joke about sharing a high-rise corner office in Hell. Technically, I don't have that piece of real estate anymore.

And I'm still going off on tangents. Alpha. It's back. My small group is interesting, same group leader as last time, but this time around I got kinda volunteered for being the "helper" I don't mind, but it is putting me in a funny situation, especially considering all the questions I still have. I brought one of them up tonight even. We were going over the question "If you were to meet Jesus today, what would you do?" It took me a bit to figure out how to word it, and we almost moved on, but I spoke up. My questions are as follows:

Why did you come when you did? Was it really the right time socially/politically to get your message across? How do we interpret the bible nowadays without sending us back into the Dark Ages? Why is it that following you feels like I'm supposed to culturally regress? Where did the "Church" go wrong? Which one is right?

Okay, so I didn't ask all of them, but questions still remain. Take for example, homosexuality.

Most say, bible says it's a sin. Or that homosexuals are an abomination unto God.

But, technically, they're still God's children too, right? Just like all of us, we're all from the same dust/spare rib combo. And if I'm reading this book correctly, the idea is to love everyone, because after all, God loves all of us. So why does our love have to have a gender specification? What makes it a sin? If it really is a sin, why do some people feel that way?

I don't think it's something we choose, in what we're attracted to. I've been in love with women before, and if one of them in particular walked back into my life, I honestly don't know what I would do. I really don't like hearing about the "retraining" programs, that turn gays straight again. To me it just sounds like brainwashing, which is seriously inhumane. And the scary part, all of those organizations are religiously based.

So this post went all over the place tonight, I'm sure I'll write something more coherent sometime later.