Why am I here again?

Since this blog has been the place I tend to put my, as I put it, crazy religious stuff, I might as well post here.

I haven't been to a service since I got back from Mexico. And you know what. I'm okay with that. There are some people I miss, but something keeps me from reaching out to most of them.

One of the things that bugged me when I went to Mexico was feeling like I needed to play a part. Like I couldn't really be me, because I feel like if my 'church people' see who I really am they'll think I'm not really a Christian or whatnot. Like when they ask me about my boyfriend. It's not 'oh how'd you meet?' or other simple questions, it's 'So what church does he go to?' 'Is he a Christian?'

And he doesn't go to church, and he isn't anymore. Nor does he want to be, because all he's seen and all he's felt is hypocrisy. He grew up in a household full of emotional abuse, and his mom didn't speak to him for 7 years after he left the church, and you know what, his step-dad did voiceovers for Christian radio skits. Lifelines or something. He's supposed to be this shining example of a good Christian man, and he's a closet asshole.

But I felt weird and on the spot when having to talk about his religious beliefs and suchlike, thank goodness they didn't ask about sex because I don't know what I'd say.

It's like I'm asking for guilt trips or something. I'm not sure where I'm really going with this, and part of me feels like there's still a big piece of the puzzle missing. I'm still glad I found Christianity when I did, because there is a lot of beautiful messages with it, but there's still a part of me that knows this isn't the be-all end-all of my spiritual journey. There's more to it, and I don't think the Bible is the only messenger system here. But part of me is afraid to explore that, like I'll just get persecuted for coming into a belief and then adapting it as I learn more. Like I'm supposed to go in and fit a mold, but I can't go do that, so I'm going to get shunned.

But if they shun me for not adhereing to all of their beliefs, even if we have Faith in the same man, the very same one and only son of God, just because I don't follow all the fine print, how Christian are either of us?

Can anyone even answer that question?

I don't think we can. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many denominations, because we wouldn't be negotiating the fine print with God.

So where do I go from here?

*dusts off the old blogger*

O-kaaaaay.... it's been a while since I've written anything in here, and I'm noticing this is where all my crazy religious stuff tends to go. Perhaps I'm too scared to debate it all with my friends over in livejournal land? Who knows.

Life is going pretty well. I got to go to Mexico a couple weeks ago. Spent my time there helping build a new home for an absolutely wonderful family. I really hope I get a chance to go back and visit, because after all according to Laura (the wife of the household) we're all like family now. :-)

It was a really eye-opening experience. Just across the border in Tijuana, one would think that maybe because of it's proximity to the states it might be a little better off... but no. There's a cloud of despair that hangs over that city and it's really sad to see. There's graffiti everywhere, and it's not just colorful arty graffiti, but most just words, hate-filled ugly words in red and black spray paint scrawled across everything. Houses are basically shanties and they're all squeezed in next to each other. The family we were helping was a family of 5 and they supported themselves on $200 a week. There's smog everywhere, even out in the countryside where we were camping out.

But it was cool, the family next door was getting a new house, as was a family across the street, and so all the neighbors were watching us the whole time. Like, what are all these crazy Americans doing working their asses off for us, for free. Enrique's boss said we must be crazy, but Laura told him we were Loco con Amor. Crazy with love. We went down thinking were just building a house, but we ended up building a community, and providing hope in a very desperate neighborhood.

Definitely an experience I plan on repeating.

Work has been going well. Had my annual review and got a small raise. Also started my 401K, lookit that, me being a 'responsible' Big Girl and all. Saving for retirement. pshaw.

Finally stopped bugging about not being back in school. Yeah I'd like to be able to go, but it's not affordable and I'm in enough debt as it is. So I can wait. I can stick with the banking and just play around with the costuming stuff in my spare time. As long as I keep making stuff I'll be fine. I don't have to be living off my arty stuff, especially since I can't really dedicate all my attention for very long to any one project. I jump around too much. Go go gadget short attention span!

But if I stay in banking it'll allow me to do crazy things like own a home, and maybe even retire before I'm totally old and gray. Then I can be that eccentric old lady having my own art shows and sellin' me wares wherever I can. I'm totally okay with that.

These things don't have to happen RIGHT NOW. I don't have to be some Hot Young Thing or some sort of prodigy.

I just wish I had realized this a couple years ago when I kept trying to go back to school and kept having to drop out.

Anyway, yet another rambly post from me, woo. See y'all in a couple of months or so!

Oh My Alpha

It's back baby, and oh boy, am I glad. Much has happened in the month long hiatus we had. And I even did something some may think of crazy and step out in front of the congregation twice to share my story and proclaim my faith in Christ.

Then I got some funky intel on the ending process of my last relationship.

And it felt like things were crashing down. I was told that the boyfriend had doubts about wanting to stay in the relationship before it ended, but stayed because he was afraid if he left I would turn away from Christ.

Hearing that sent my stomach into knots and seriously pissed me off. I felt lied to. And that hurt.

I started re-examining how I came to Christ at that point. Because, after all, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have considered Christianity as an option for me. By stereotypes I was the antithesis of a "good Christian girl"

I run around on Saturday nights with my friends pretending to be a vampire, I listen to all sorts of crazy rock music, I'm pro-choice, I swear like a sailor, I drink, I have lots of sex and am kinky to boot. I remember one time in church before I made the choice, the sermon was about being able to selflessly give, and be a true dumas. Kinda like a slave but not quite, and while the pastor was talking about this attitude of servitude I remember thinking "If nothing else, maybe this Christianity thing will help me be a better sub."

I'm tangent-ing, anyway, while re-examining and talking to friends about what was going on with this minor crisis of Faith, my friend Steve pointed out to me that I was having a crisis of Trust more than a crisis of Faith.

Because I did explore Christianity on my own terms, and I accepted on my own terms.

So I know I'm in the right place, I'm still not so sure on all the whys. Especially considering the irony of me becoming a Christian. Mom and I used to joke about sharing a high-rise corner office in Hell. Technically, I don't have that piece of real estate anymore.

And I'm still going off on tangents. Alpha. It's back. My small group is interesting, same group leader as last time, but this time around I got kinda volunteered for being the "helper" I don't mind, but it is putting me in a funny situation, especially considering all the questions I still have. I brought one of them up tonight even. We were going over the question "If you were to meet Jesus today, what would you do?" It took me a bit to figure out how to word it, and we almost moved on, but I spoke up. My questions are as follows:

Why did you come when you did? Was it really the right time socially/politically to get your message across? How do we interpret the bible nowadays without sending us back into the Dark Ages? Why is it that following you feels like I'm supposed to culturally regress? Where did the "Church" go wrong? Which one is right?

Okay, so I didn't ask all of them, but questions still remain. Take for example, homosexuality.

Most say, bible says it's a sin. Or that homosexuals are an abomination unto God.

But, technically, they're still God's children too, right? Just like all of us, we're all from the same dust/spare rib combo. And if I'm reading this book correctly, the idea is to love everyone, because after all, God loves all of us. So why does our love have to have a gender specification? What makes it a sin? If it really is a sin, why do some people feel that way?

I don't think it's something we choose, in what we're attracted to. I've been in love with women before, and if one of them in particular walked back into my life, I honestly don't know what I would do. I really don't like hearing about the "retraining" programs, that turn gays straight again. To me it just sounds like brainwashing, which is seriously inhumane. And the scary part, all of those organizations are religiously based.

So this post went all over the place tonight, I'm sure I'll write something more coherent sometime later.