Why am I here again?

Since this blog has been the place I tend to put my, as I put it, crazy religious stuff, I might as well post here.

I haven't been to a service since I got back from Mexico. And you know what. I'm okay with that. There are some people I miss, but something keeps me from reaching out to most of them.

One of the things that bugged me when I went to Mexico was feeling like I needed to play a part. Like I couldn't really be me, because I feel like if my 'church people' see who I really am they'll think I'm not really a Christian or whatnot. Like when they ask me about my boyfriend. It's not 'oh how'd you meet?' or other simple questions, it's 'So what church does he go to?' 'Is he a Christian?'

And he doesn't go to church, and he isn't anymore. Nor does he want to be, because all he's seen and all he's felt is hypocrisy. He grew up in a household full of emotional abuse, and his mom didn't speak to him for 7 years after he left the church, and you know what, his step-dad did voiceovers for Christian radio skits. Lifelines or something. He's supposed to be this shining example of a good Christian man, and he's a closet asshole.

But I felt weird and on the spot when having to talk about his religious beliefs and suchlike, thank goodness they didn't ask about sex because I don't know what I'd say.

It's like I'm asking for guilt trips or something. I'm not sure where I'm really going with this, and part of me feels like there's still a big piece of the puzzle missing. I'm still glad I found Christianity when I did, because there is a lot of beautiful messages with it, but there's still a part of me that knows this isn't the be-all end-all of my spiritual journey. There's more to it, and I don't think the Bible is the only messenger system here. But part of me is afraid to explore that, like I'll just get persecuted for coming into a belief and then adapting it as I learn more. Like I'm supposed to go in and fit a mold, but I can't go do that, so I'm going to get shunned.

But if they shun me for not adhereing to all of their beliefs, even if we have Faith in the same man, the very same one and only son of God, just because I don't follow all the fine print, how Christian are either of us?

Can anyone even answer that question?

I don't think we can. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many denominations, because we wouldn't be negotiating the fine print with God.

So where do I go from here?